The Fray

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head, over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind, She's on your mind

--The Fray (How to Save a Life), 2005

Song lyric of the day

I woke up from my sleep to the sound of that voice
From the words that I heard I had no choice
They told me I had to turn around
My assurance slowly faded down
And I wonder
Will I ever make it home

--Ingram Hill (June's Picture Show), 2004

First post in 10-odd months

I just freeze
Every time you see through me
And it's all over you
Electric Blue

--Icehouse (Man of Colours), 1987

A touch of class

At the bottom of our basement staircase now hangs a poster for an upcoming movie, "After the Sunset," which I picked up at a radio booth at a local outdoors and travel show.
This means Salma Hayek's boobs are now the first thing you see when you walk into our basement. I think it adds a lot to the decor.

Alligator attack: A Tall Tale

A character study...first person:

You see those scars, all up and down my arm? They're from an alligator.
I was playing golf, central Florida, 1996. I shanked a fairway shot into the rough. Unfortunately, on Florida courses "rough" can also mean "swamp."
So, I'm lining up my swamp shot, beacuse I don't want to have to drop my ball and lose a stroke. Just then, This gator comes out of nowhere, lunges at me and latches onto my arm.
I'm screaming, this gator's sinking his teeth in further. He wants to take me under and probably eat me. My golf buddies had to hit him with their clubs for a couple minutes before the damn thing let go.
As I dive out of the swamp, the course's game warden drives up in a cart. Sees me bleeding, I tell him I just got bit by an alligator. So, he pulls out a 12-gauge, goes down by the swamp and puts two right in the back of this gator's head.
I get rushed to the hospital, where I spend the next two weeks. I needed two surgeries to reattach all the shit in my arm the gator sliced off.
As they are loading me into the ambulance, I ask one last thing of the game warden: save the carcass.
I had the carcass sent to a leather maker, who fashioned the skin into a pair of really nice bags. I take this one to work.
YEAH! You're a BAG now, aren't you, bitch? Tried to eat my ass, and now you're carrying my newspaper to work!
Every time life gets me down, I pull out those bags, and remember that even though I might be getting chewed on, I can still turn the pissants in my life into carry-on luggage.

Nose-picking as entertainment

Would your life make a good reality show? I ponder that as I sit here typing this entry. If I was world-famous, would 15 minutes of footage of my fingers moving over a keyboard be worthy of air time on MTV?

For your consideration: The television show "Newlyweds," which proves celebrities, even one as hot as Jessica Simpson, are as boring as hell when the camera lights go off.

"...This is the episode where Jessica tries to make popcorn in the microwave, but the microwave won't work. She tries and tries, and eventually gets upset and starts to cry. She calls all her friends over, and they spend the day giving each other pedicures and drinking exotic bottled water and complaining about how unfair life is. Then about 25 minutes into the show, Jessica discovers the microwave is unplugged. Then she hits her head on a skillet and everybody laughs..."
The show ends with Nick Lachey wondering why he ever decided to marry Jessica.
"Oh, that's right. The sex!" he finally says, smacking his forehead. "She's so stupid, I sometimes forget how hot she is."

Numero uno

This blog is going to be insane, inane and utterly random.